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Utter Despair: depression and hopelessness, usually one that the person doesn't believe that he or she can recover from. Utter despair is sometimes when people give up, because they are down so far that they can't see any way back up. Utter just means the most extreme... so there can be utter bliss, as well as utter despair.
-WikiAnswers

There's a certain part of melancholic depression that nurtures the mind and feeds creativity, and can even turn into inspiration in the most extreme cases. This I have come to enjoy. But sometimes, when you're not looking, it will creep up on you, sting you, and cause extreme mental confusion/pain and sudden violent physical sickness that knows no bounds. This part I have not come to enjoy. But for the most part, I have developed a love/hate relationship with it. -a.s.